Sweet Bella Vita

a dash of motherhood… a sprinkle of homeschooling… and a pinch of photography ( with a side of compassion )

if you live your life waiting for the storm; you will never appreciate the sunshine

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One of my kids wants another golden and wants to name her Bianca and I told him right away that won’t be happening. There was only one Bianca and she is gone and we must accept that she is not replaceable. I think  this is his way of dealing with the loss that he wants to fill… as I know he misses her very much.

I am no where close to wanting another dog at the moment. I have lost 3 in the last 9 years. My heart feels completly broken and with each one they have taken a piece of my heart with them. 

And Bianca in particular has taken a very large piece;  perhaps becuase she was the last of the trio;  perhaps becuase she lived the longest or becuase she was so attached to me and I to her. I found comfort in her so many times and even after the death of her sister … we found comfort in each other.

I can’t take the pain; yet I keep thinking how privileged I am to feel this pain. How many can say they loved so deeply ? how many can say they were loved so deeply ?

She loved me. I know she did becuase it was in her eyes… and I felt it deep in my heart.

I sit here crying.

I sit here thinking how can I go on without her… I don’t want to live a life without her in it… yet I remember feeling this way when my parents died as well… how does one pick up and go on? 

I have done it before; yet I can’t tell you how. Somehow it happens … the tears dry up and life goes on. 

I hate the house feeling so empty. Yes we have Jazz at the moment. She is with us for about another 7 months.  I think 1 of my kids will take it very hard when she goes as he is completly attached to her. 

Although  I had to send her away for a few days as I could’t take her. She was making me mad… and it was’t her fault … so I felt it was better she goes away for a bit. The fact that she is so young and healthy I think was making me feel mad… and that she is here and Bianca is not.

One of my favourite quotes … “if you live your life waiting for the storm you will never appreciate the sunshine”

and yes; If I live worrying about loss what kind of life am I living?

I loved her … for 13 + years she gave me so much happiness and love … would I give that up just avoid this pain?? … just to  avoid feeling such sadness… right now that I am crying my eyes out I want to say yes but I know I wouldn’t. I would not change a thing about having her in my life!

I feel like I could go on writing about her forever…  like maybe if I keep writing about her she will somehow come back. 

Puppies are cute and cuddly … but there is a certain kind of something that comes with an old dog that has  been by your side her whole life … a certain kind of familiarity … a certain kind of companionship.

I am trying to work on a video of Bianca as I did one for her sister … but I am having a much harder time … as Bianca lay  by my feet while I worked on her sisters’ video and I spoke to Bianca and cried with her as I did this  …. and now I find myself alone looking at pictures of Bianca. 

but I will get there soon. 

a friend gave me this quote and it struck a cord with me 

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog it takes a piece of my heart… And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of theirs. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.”–Unknown

and this brings me to 72 hours with her gone. 

thank you to all the wonderful friends who have messaged me such sweet messages… I am overwhelmed with the amount of love. 

~Lisa

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